Is there anything worse?

Is there anything worse than looking up the fixture list of your club, having forgotten who they were facing that weekend, only to find that England are playing in a friendly and thus you will have to wait another full week to see your beloveds do battle? I hate England friendlies. In fact, I hate England games altogether, unless they’re part of a major tournament. That’s right I’m a part time supporter, a day tripper, an international glory hunter.

Nothing bores me more than tuning in to watch a soulless England side narrowly beat a lesser footballing nation with all the flair of a salad, and not even a good salad with meat in, like a Chicken Caesar or a nice Thai Beef concoction. See… it happened again. The minute I mention England’s friendlies I veer off onto other subjects, such is my complete lack of interest.

I appreciate that we can’t just turn up in South Africa with a bunch of fellas who don’t know each other and expect to take home the World Cup, but surely there’s a better way. It’s not like they need the football or fitness – they’d have been playing for their club teams that weekend anyway. No, what they need are simple fortnightly get togethers, much like they do in the corporate world, where they can chat, bond, maybe play some cards and generally get to know one another.

Typically selflessly, I’ve produced a list of ‘England Evenings’ that Fabio Capello could host for the team instead of making us endure these interrupting and highly annoying friendlies.

Bowling

If ten pin bowling doesn’t promote a sense of cohesion, I’m not sure what will. Imagine the lads trying their best to knock down the pins, in between trips to the food stand to refill their cokes (for free, if they visit the right alley). Imagine the friendly banter when David James pulls on his funny blue and red clown shoes. Imagine the gentle ribbing when Aaron Lennon attempts to use a 12 pound ball that’s clearly too heavy for him. It’s fun, it’s sporty and if you keep your Tesco receipt you can sometimes get two games for the price of one.

Moonlight BBQ

The English winter is on its way but that shouldn’t stop Mister Capello. There’s nothing better than wrapping up in a ‘three lions’ hat, scarf and gloves and chomping down a pig sandwich. Of course, being this time of year, you could throw in some festive activities too; Secret Santa, a special Christmas Quiz, and of course, carol singing. Is it only me who thinks that John Terry and Steven Gerrard, hand in hand, harmonising ‘Silent Night’, whilst Mister Capello accompanies them on his cello, is a heart-warming thought?

Night in with X Factor

The lads could play for their clubs on the Saturday and then make their way to Mister Capello’s house for a night of toe-nail painting and X factor. Rumour has it that Mister Capello has a big 48” inch plasma screen TV and a brand new popcorn maker. It all sounds peachy, but they’d have to be careful it doesn’t descend into name calling, as Ashley Cole and Emile Heskey see who can vote the most. Rumour also has it that Heskey is a big Jedward fan.

Bungee Jumping

Sure there are horror stories about the rope snapping, people legs being yanked from their bodies and heads being bitten off by clever, patient crocodiles, but at least we could separate the men from the boys. If you don’t jump, you forfeit your ticket to South Africa – helps with selection problems too, you see. I’ve got a fiver that says Robert Green bottles it.

Subbuteo Tournament

Each player picks a team who is entered into next year’s World Cup Finals and they represent them with pride and courage in this finger-flicking classic game. Has the added bonus of throwing up some genuine surprises – just imagine James Milner’s New Zealand making the final against Gareth Barry’s Honduras. Of course, the game would have to be properly supervised by Mister Capello, as it has been known to cause tantrums in even the most level headed people. I mean, what would it do for the world game if Wayne Rooney squashed Cameroon’s Souleymanou Hamidou, just because he was judged to have had four flicks instead of three?